What the heck do I do now?

I'm really lost.

Went to work yesterday after having Friday and Monday off....it was awful. Truly awful. During this whole IVF fiasco I secretly interviewed with another dept that I really want to get into. Once I had gotten past the "are you even qualified" conversations (and I was) I was going to formally apply but then a former employee got wind of the job and had just slightly better qualifications than me and swooped in and took my dream position right out from under me. Luckily I had only secretly and unofficially interviewed so I don't look like a complete ass in my current position.

Having the job not work out was bad, I was disappointed but knowing that IVF was going so well and feeling that maybe this was better, not to start a super stressful new position during a time when I would be pregnant etc...and then how would that look if I told them "Oh by the way, I'll be out on maternity in a few months". I somehow saw this working out for the best..but now. Going into work is torture. I didn't get into my dream dept and cool new job and feel like such a loser and I am not pregnant and by all indications will never be again (please understand I don't say this lightly, I have lots of history to back it up). Not only am I not pregnant...I don't really like my current job very much. I am so over it and it turns out I've been hanging on mostly so that on the off chance I get pregnant I can take advantage of the sweet maternity leave benefits at this company. I've put up with a lot of crap here based on the fact that I am going to get pregnant any minute and I don't want to start a new job with all the stress etc...while I am going through this.

Well...it seems I am not going through this anymore. Now wtf do I do? I don't even know what I want to do. I've been thinking some crazy thoughts today. Like I always wanted to live in Alaska...maybe now's the time for that? Or Hawaii for that matter. Screw it. I can do whatever I want! The sad part is, when I go down this line of thinking...what I really want is a house full of kids regardless of where we live.

As for future IVF's. I am unwilling to spend the money(which we don't have and would have to borrow), the time(I have no PTO left...none), the heartache on trying again. I did however look into grants and thought about something I could do part time to make additional money...I also tried to research companies in the area that pay for it...the heartache part..now that's the part I don't know how to troubleshoot...

It's 3 am and I must be lonely

Well really it's now 6am but I've been up since three. Catching up on posts on Resolve, letting everyone on the roll call know I am BFN reading successful and not so succesful stories.

I can't quiet my mind, I just keep going over and over the last two weeks..what did I do, what when wrong? Retracing my steps. "Ok last I saw the embryos there were three 8c1's, two of those were already compacting, and one 6cd. I saw them go shooting into my uterus. I rested and talked to DH about how happy we were to be at this point. I finally peed, got dressed and then we came home and I rested"...then what happened. It's there I get stuck because of course there are no answers. I have no information, but it doesn't stop me doing it again a little later. Did I do too much? Did I get too stressed with cutting my finger, with people staying with us. Should I not have lifted my friends baby? Did I eat the wrong thing? Was the acupuncture really counter productive? Am I being punished because I tested too early? Was I too negative? Was it because I couldn't believe and visualize the embryo's implanting? WTF did I do to cause this not to work????

I wish we had done assisted hatching. We didn't like the idea of it, and didn't like the risks with it but maybe that's why this didn't work and it now seems silly to me that we didn't just do EVERYTHING we could while we were at it.

I am still haunted as well by the faint BFP's..I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the makers of those tests..they were obviously wrong, I mean I didn't even have a hint of hcg in my bloodwork so it's not like this was a missed miscarriage (although this cycle feels closer to my miscarriages than all the other times when we've tried and failed and maybe they shouldn't show you the embryos before you do this). I know I shouldn't have tested. I know. But I did and there were lines and I looked at the tests before throwing them out and the lines were still there. So WTF does that mean?

My acupuncturist was very surprised with our BFN - sent me an email to keep up with the dietary changes until I decide what to do next..I think I must not have told him that we were only doing the one IVF...and I am not even sure if we are going to forgo birth control now. I mean do I really want to keep going through this at any level?

Once again I am at the place of quitting and it's completely unacceptable because the consequences of quitting are a child free life that I am not ready to accept but the consequences of continuing to do what has caused us so much pain for so many years is also unacceptable.

I had ice cream for two meals yesterday and a beer with dinner. It didn't help me feel better at all. My DH was a little worried that I would go overboard..sort of a rebound effect and a little bit of drowning my grief in food and drink but it was such an inadequate comfort that I didn't even want to.

still not a mother

It was negative both the test I took this morning and my beta. I've cried most of the day. Why couldn't it just work? We are devastated.

Having a rough morning

Well here I am...4am...I can't sleep and I've been crying off and on for an hour.

Last night I found out (right before bedtime from DH) that dear friends of ours just found out their baby had died at 14 weeks. They didn't want to tell a lot of people but we had a few people over for dinner last night and they were unable to make it. One of the guests spilled to DH why they weren't there.

I am just devastated for them. Why does this fucking happen? It's so unfair. I know there are no answers to those questions but they just keep going through my head.

I'm also taking this very personally and having a hard time seeing a positive outcome for DH and I. I mean this loss is what we know. We don't know successful pregnancy outcomes personally and I am having a really hard time right now imagining things going well for us. Then the guilt starts about how this line of thinking is not good for me or any embryos I might have in my uterus.

Fuck.

I also don't know what to do for my friends. You'd think I might have picked up some ideas along the way...or know what I would want...but I don't. I go back and forth between wanting to run over there and take care of them and not knowing what to do at all.

am i crazy?

Well..I see a faint line again today but DH says he thinks it could be the grey line on the test when you open it...but I compared the new and the used and I still see a line. So no more news today.

I feel very down and I am trying so hard to stay positive but I've been really crampy.

We have some friends staying with us. They have two little ones. It's hard. I feel like that will never be me.

Really Yucky Oweeeeee

Well today has not been a good day. I spent two hours in urgent care after I almost cut the end of my finger off making a lovely Kale, parm and lemon salad. I was chiffonading and got a little cocky..

The Dr took off the nail to stitch up the nail bed and even with tons of lidocaine(which hurt worse than all of my stim shots combined)..I still FELT EVERYTHING. mofo

Now it throbs.

I hope this stress doesn't hurt the embryo(s) that I hope are safely implanted in my uterus. I feel a lot of guilt right now that this added stress may cause them harm. Just one more thing to worry about. Also the Dr told me to put Polysporin on it when I clean it..and um I just read on Dr Google that it's a class C drug...now I don't know what to do. I told him I was potentially pregnant...I mean you think he might have told me class C. He made a point to tell me Lidocaine is class B. I guess I'll be making a crazy call to my RE in the am to see if she thinks I should use it.

Oh and I POAS this afternoon. Yeah..I did that. I feel like a dumb ass. It was faintly positive..I think...ever so faint as to think maybe I might also be losing my mind but I realized after the fact that it could possibly still be trigger. My Beta day is Friday. I'm a dumb ass. I am 6dp3dt or 9dpo. What on earth is wrong with my will power?

I think I better go meditate on the positive if I can ignore the throbbing finger.

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary to us! We are married for four years and for most of it we've been trying to get pregnant, and recovering from RPL. It did not escape me that we chose almost exactly the same sentiment on our cards for each other. Something along the lines of "The roads been hard, but I've been glad that you are there with me." Hmph. It was a nice night, but since I am on "pelvic rest" and my energy turns off like a switch sometime mid evening it was not that exciting or thrilling. Hopefully we have many years for thrilling in our future.

In other news it's 5:30 am. and I've been tossing and turning for about an hour. I think it's odd and slightly irritating that I can't keep my eyes open at night to save my life and yet now I have not a hint of that tiredness. I mean COME ON it's Saturday morning!

Yesterday during the day I got pretty down. Hormonal probably. I was thinking of how fucked up it was that we were hoping that multiple embryos would take so that if RPL reared it's head we would be able to lose some and still end up with a live take home baby. I mean how messed up of a world am I in right now that this is what I am hoping for? I know, I should be happy that we got as many embryos as we did and that they all went in without a hitch and I am most of the time but I still think it's f'd up. The whole thing.

My mother sent me the funniest and craziest text..and I don't know how I was not annoyed with her, I would have thought something like this would annoy the crap out of me..but I laughed out loud in my cube! She said "Are my grandbabies nestling in and taking nourishment so that they can grow strong?" and I can totally hear her tone, the smile so maybe it's sillier and sweeter in my ear than anyone elses but it made me so happy and giggly and also struck me as so funny. On the flip side I know this IF and RPL has been hard on her. I hope for her sake and mine (and everyone rooting for us) that this works. I will not only feel sad for me if it doesn't but I will feel I've let everyone else down as well.

4dp3dt

My cold is calming down. I think it's the nasal rinses I've been doing..if you don't do them when you have a cold you should, they are genius along the same lines as Lasix for me a miracle really.

Anyway off my soapbox about that.

I am a week into the two week wait and I am freaking out a little bit. I woke up at 2am to pee and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been on Dr Google for just about an hour and decided to come blog so I could at least get my thoughts in order and my sanity back and stop reading about symptoms I can't possibly have or reading about when to begin testing. I don't plan to test on my own. I plan to just do the Beta at the office but I've been known to cave before.

Progesterone supplementation is evil. It's making me all uncomfortable down there, my boobs are ginormous and sore, I'm slightly nauseous and vacillate between constipation and the other. I'm so thirsty that sometimes I feel like putting my head directly in the sink and drinking out of the faucet going full force. I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep through the night and I have to get up at least once to use the restroom.

Enough complaining. I am also oddly grateful to be at this point. To have the possibility of being pregnant again. To have clear evidence that there are embryos in my uterus *of course I realize they may have stopped growing but I have no evidence past the transfer so that's what I am sticking with*. I feel like I should be sticking myself with needles too, like I should be doing something...it feels odd to not.

When I got the cold DH said "that's a good sign". When I took my bra off last night and was clearly up a cup size he said "oh that's a good sign" Me I know that those are all on the list of side effects of the progesterone but I'll let him feel good for a bit. What's the harm? I'm really trying not to be a buzz kill.

I guess I am really in limbo and just trying to hold on as best I can. It either will or it won't happen and I have contingency plans for both. In fact if it doesn't work I know a particular ice cream confection I will be having ASAP, the commercial for it's been running for days and I don't usually eat that sort of processed product but if I get a negative Beta I will absolutely be getting it that day. I have plans for after the ice cream as well but that's my first step of the Beta day. It's nice to have a plan.

If I get a positive Beta I have all sorts of other plans but they are more vague and unformed since a positive Beta for me means only step one in a long list of milestones to accomplish before I can be ...what's the word....happy? Optimistic? Hmmm...I guess this isn't the most positive post. What is that saying "Past behavior is an indicator of future"? I hope I can buck the past behavior is all I am sayin..but I feel the need to be cynical to protect for the future.

I'm sick

It seems like every time we really "try" I get a cold. What is that? Stress?

I have a full blown cold. I felt fine on Monday, then Monday night I started sneezing and then Tuesday all day sneezing and runny nose and then towards the afternoon I had to go home. I can't deal with this.

I have taken off time for IVF I don't have time to take off for this. So I sent a sad note to my boss about working from home, and hoping that this does not cause the perception that I am slacking off...but the reality is I am. I mean I am not working the 150% that everyone else is and it's upsetting. I didn't plan to work 150% this month - I planned to coast a little, take of time for apts etc but now wth...I am trying to work but my mind is full of fuzz. I have a big report I have to finish this week and all of my other work. Really bad timing for this cold, that's all I have to say.

Hopefully if I pump myself full of juice I will feel better soon.

And now we wait.

It's done. 4!

We went today for our transfer and we transferred 2 excellent quality already starting to compact embryos, one excellent quality and one poor quality - which my RE said was worth putting in because it would secrete hormones that could help the others. So there you have it 4 eggs fertilized and 4 embryos transferred. Alrighty then. I'm just a little nervous that we could be hit with a multiple pregnancy...just a tiny bit. I mean even if we are my RE says the likelihood of all of them surviving with my history would be slim. That's a sobering thought. I'm glad we put the fourth one in and to be honest I'm glad there are none to be frozen. I don't like the idea of that fourth one dying in the lab..and not having frozen ones means that my next steps are decided for me if this doesn't work out, this is really it.

I honestly had no idea how emotional today would be - I thought it would not be a big deal, but I cried when the embryologist told us we had three excellent embryos. I didn't see that coming. I was really nervous too all last night, and couldn't sleep. I did two back to back meditations to relax my mind.

When the took us back to the OR the embryologist showed us our four little ones in the microscope and I cried again and said something like..."Amazing". And then I was in awe when the DR put them in and on the US there was this flash of light...in my uterus. It was very profound.

Now I wait. I'm feeling very calm.

one more step.

4 embryos two from the three we ICSI'D Two from the other four. I'm excited to be at this point but cautious. I feel a lot better today. Had my abdominal massage this morning and was given moxa sticks icks to burn and hold over 5 acupressure points apparently my abdomen is still too cold.

lucky 7?

7 eggs retrieved. Feeling ok. Off to sleep now.

Trigger tonight. ER on Friday!

Apparently these follies are overachievers. Two are already at 21. Doc said she did not expect this. Acupuncture and a healthy diet? I hope it doesn't screw things up. Sounds like those two will be way too big by Friday.

I feel good otherwise but dh and I are not seeing eye to eye. He is driving me crazy and getting whiney and then I say things like. " did you give yourself six shots today?" Which is totally juvenile.
I think this too shall pass.

Update: earlier...shots read shits....ooops :)

can i go to bed now?

I am so tired..

Apt this morning was good except I thought originally I was going to have er on Thursday but now looks like Saturday which means more of everything.

Also my lining is 6.5. She thinks she might have measured one of my fibroids last time. S till 10 follies ranging from 10 to 18