Irreverance is restorative.

I'm thinking of going on an "I can't make a baby moon" and getting DH to get me an "I won't get to push present".

 Just my sarcastic reaction to some things going on in my immediate life circle. Sorry if this upsets anyone. It's meant in the most sarcastic, tongue in cheek and irreverant way possible.

 I just thought I'd pop in to say I am doing fine. Holidays are hard and I think(hope) as I go through the years that those will get better. There are lots of "reminders" this time of year that make me think...oh yeah I was pregnant this time last year...oh yeah this is when I found out we were going to lose the pregnancy...oh yeah...oh yeah and it's painful but it's manageable and I'd like to keep it that way.

We are officially preventing pregnancy. I am still having intermittent hot flashes and mood swings but they are better than they were and I am hoping things will even out but it was nice this month to know that I was definitively not pregnant and that any "symptoms" I had were just my body doing it's thing for the month. I lost about 12 lbs and then stalled out. Hoping I can keep it off and then start losing again.

I've been checking in to follow those ladies I was following before but I have to admit I don't do it often and that being out of the loop has been restorative. I need to often forget what's happened so that I can put it in it's rightful place and it doesn't take over the rest of my life.

5 Years was enough to give to the infertility and RPL beast.

Hot flashes....seriously

Anyone have experience with hot flashes? I seem to be having them often. My head becomes an inferno and sweat drips down my face for no apparent reason. I started primal eating about 3 weeks ago...or is it the chemical pregnancy throwing off my hormones. I can't be going through menopause at this point can I? 42 people ....42.

Chemical

Well it's done. Negative again today and af started overnight. I'm ok with it. We are implementing our birth control plan this month. One good thing that's come out of this latest is to solidify my resolve to be done its too much for one lifetime, time to move on. Coming to this decision is both energizing and melancholy.

Confused

I took another test this morning. No discernible line. Dark spotting this afternoon. Lots of rationalizing. I got up early to pee 2am kind of early so maybe not enough time between then and 6am test? Chemical? Wonky test? Usually dh doesn't see phantom lines, that's my domain. No more bleeding past the spotting so i guess i wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Is it #5?

Possible bfp on internet cheapie. DH also sees it so it's not a figment of my imagnation. Guessing i am 10-11 dpo. Had pap smear on 8/1 did that help spermies entry? Just something I'm wondering about.

Pretending I'm not

I've been busy. I've been doing a little bit more traveling. Some work, some pleasure. I've been pretending that I am ok with how things turned out and that not having kids is in some way a blessing. Some kids I've been around recently have made me think...Oh thank god that's not my kid.

I have been missing my kitty like crazy. I see him all around the house and I wonder if this is why people believe in ghosts. I think it's more an expectation of him being where I see him, kind of like my mind filling in the blanks but sometimes I dream he's hanging out with me and I miss him terribly. No one, human or other, quite fills the gap in my heart like he did.

We also had a pet chicken death. That was quite sad too, we went ahead and borrowed a chicken from a friend to keep our other chicken company. She's on the way out too it seems. Apparently this breed doesn't live that long. Then we will be taking a break from chickens. I mean between the miscarriages, the senior cats and the delicate chickens it's been morbid central around here.

In other news I went to my gyne today. A regular annual exam, pap, breast exam kind of apt. On the paperwork the first question was
 How many times have you been pregnant? 4
 How many live births? 0
Miscarriages? 3 Ectopics? 1 Some other crap I can't remember... I mean right in my face after I step in the door. Can't you look in the damn computer at my chart. It's all there. Do I really need to write it out in pen and ink? AGAIN?

 Then I had planned to ask about more permanent birth control...so I did but I wasn't prepared for how the conversation would make me feel. I had thought about these options as a younger woman but in those thoughts I imagined getting to them when my family creation was complete. When I was well and truly done having kids and looking forward to my empty nest. I didn't contemplate having these conversations with my thinking mind well and truly present and trying to ignore my feeling mind as she screamed "NOOOOO, I'm not ready, this isn't how it was supposed to happen and can I really be this old?". So what I thought was a nice step towards normalcy, getting back to taking care of myself by scheduling and attending to my annual exam was another dip into the abyss.

I dipped way low, came home and on the way stopped at the grocery. Ate half a box of chocolate donuts and a bag of chips. It didn't stop there.

We are currently not using any birth control. A combination of thumbing our nose at it and sticking our heads in the sand. It's a sort of finality that for some reason I can not progress to. Won't I curse my audacity if it all goes well and truly wrong as it has in the past?

Goodby dear friend

What I've feared for over a year has finally happened. We had to put our little kitty down. We had kept him happy and feeling good for over a year with the cancer but in the last few ways he went downhill quickly. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do to say goodbye and actually choose to let him go. I keep looking for him in his usual spots and waiting for him to shuffle by. He'll be missed.

Almost Full Term in an alternate universe

I would be almost full term - 39 weeks give or take a few days since the dating on my last pregnancy was so iffy. I can't believe that much time has gone by. It feels like yesterday that I had the miscarriage. It was brought to my attention though by the two ladies I know who also got pregnant at that time and who are now going out on maternity leave. Well, happy mothers day to me NOT. It was a rough day yesterday. I know it was rough for a lot of us. I hope all of you made it through the day ok and are feeling well today.

No miracles just jet lag

It was just jet lag. I hate to admit this but I actually felt a little bit relieved....I am very conflicted at this point. I think it's mostly because I no longer have the capacity to see a good outcome. I think that means we should really just move on but somehow I can't take myself all the way out of the game. I've been working out quite a bit and seeing some real progress. I may actually wear a tank top this summer. We'll see. :)

One foot in

I'm here. Well I'm in Australia right now but I mean I'm still here going about life. I've been away for a couple of weeks now and I am just getting used to the time change and I go back tomorrow. Nice. I also am 31 days into a cycle. My longest cycles are usually 27 days. I know it's probably the jet lag...yes, yes, of course I tested. I should have just broken down and bought a 50 pack of tests from the internet when the thought occurred to me. All (4) tests were negative. BUT..... We did do the dance at approximately the right times for a late ovulation...and last year I was 31 days with negative tests when I was actually pregnant...sooooo of course I am a little bit cautiously optimistic...which is endlessly frustrating. A couple of months ago we decided to not use birth control. Beyond that we hadn't really made any decisions one way or another. Four+ years of highly orchestrated attempted baby making took all aspects of my ability to control away. Also I am now 42. I have all of the issues I had before. The odds are so far outside of our favor that it seems a good bet that we won't have to make anymore decisions about babies, pregnancies etc. Except, I didn't consider the rare variations in my cycle that would throw me for a loop and pull me right back into the what if. The only thing that's different now is I realize and keep reminding myself that after all of this time there's really not a lot that I can do or not do to impact a pregnancy of mine. Ummm...I just typed "this" pregnancy instead of "a". Have I truly lost my mind? Heading back home tomorrow. Seriously missing my kitties and hens and my own bed and my little routines.

Bring me what you will?

It's so hard to wait for the world to bring you what it will....and while you wait it's hard to not allow your heart to grow cold with bitterness.

I heard this song today probably for the first time...and it means so much to me. It doesn't matter what's happened... Christina Perri - A Thousand Years.. I'm sure it's speaking of romantic love but the words couldn't mean more to me..How could I love something that was never realized but I do..I think because I can picture it vividly. I can see it clearly and want it so much. I am coming to the painful realization that it really may not be. I thought I understood what this meant many times but I didn't really know...I had so many more options to try and I thought each one would work. Each one was our way out of this nightmare. When you get to the end of those options it's really a different place.

I read some posts today on Stirrup Queens blog about women who do not have children and some mean spirited comments about them having "nothing" and I have to be honest. On a bad day I see into the nothingness. That's not to say that a childless life can't be fulfilling but if all you've been driving towards in your life is a family and all of a sudden it's made very difficult to get there. That nothingness looms. You suddenly have to change tracks mid stride and it's very disconcerting to say the least. I think at this point I've come off the rails. EMS is picking up the pieces. I'm sure I will get back on track again but for right now I am on fire...a mangled piece of metal. Each piece as it's cleaned up uncovering another mess underneath. This track led to so many things that I know, all the way through to graduations and weddings and grandchildren..where do I fit in that now?

Each day I am doing fine until I'm not. I carpool to work with a guy..and today I had a fine day but in the car on the way home I was on the verge of tears all the way, I can't even pinpoint why? It just "came up".

I helped DH clean out the garage over the weekend and found a lunchbox full of alphabet cookie cutters that I had bought...I thought maybe I'd use them to make cookies with nieces or nephews but in reality I saw myself making cookies with my children..at some point in this journey they made it to the garage but now they have to go. I've been purging these things, that I collected without even knowing. Another is a set of freezer pop molds. My mother made them for us when we were little and I bought the exact set for my future children. It pains me to see them.

I on some level understand that adoption may bring me great joy (obviously I see that it would help out a child as well but I discount that because I don't believe one should adopt for purely philanthropic reasons..) but I can not approach the topic with myself or start the process. I am grieving as selfish as it seems intellectually. I am grieving the loss of our children of our legacy. I feel bad even thinking it but I also know it's the truth. I am also grieving the children that died. What else can I call them? Embryo doesn't do the feelings justice, I don't think. So to myself in my thoughts they were my children and they died. Simple and complicated as that. and I am grieving.

Thank you so much for your responses on my last post. I am so deep into this bad place that I can't be sure of my own reactions anymore. The party was lovely but based on your responses I told the "ringleader" to knock it off and that I was really struggling and lo and behold I got what I needed. Lovely times with my lovely friends..they didn't mean anything by it but they have no way of understanding this dark place I'm in. No way to comprehend it except through my eyes. I tried to show a little bit to them and it was met with love thankfully.

Ugh just read back through this and it reads all the bad but to be honest I've had many good moments as well. I planted some veggies last weekend and we've been working on the house. I spent time with friends. Dh and I are more in love than ever. I've been working out I'm up to running 30 minutes at a time. It's not all this dark place. Just in case you worry.

Can you help? Reality check.

Ok..I'm having a really hard time with something - not fertility related and I need a reality check from my online friends.

It's possible I may be over reacting...

How would you feel if your friends were all trying to get one over on you...

So two of my friends were joking around on email and decided to plan a party at my house and not tell me..it's kind of funny. Anyway the one friend did tell me and we all had a laugh and the party is now planned.

But since then, people in the group have been trying to "get me" by sending me an im saying "OMG do you know how many people so and so invited to your house!" and teasing me about what I am going to serve all of these people..and then my husband forwards me an email thread which is miles long with all of these people talking about me freaking out and getting worked up...which until now I have not been..I was going along with the teasing.

Now though I feel really hurt and really bad. It feels like I am being left out and picked on and it feels really mean spirited..

Lately though with everything that's happened I have been more sensitive than usual but is that the case here? How would you feel if your group of friends were doing this to you?

No plan and No plan to make a plan

There's no way for me to plan my way out of this. No problem solving skill I can use will make this not be reality and I'm having a hard time with it.

It doesn't help that the rest of the world has come to the agreement that nothing ever happened and all is right, at least that's what it seems like. No one has asked how I am. DH even hasn't been talking much about things until that is I had a complete meltdown over the weekend..the gist of which was I am not o.k. with how things turned out and I am not o.k. with not having a family...well duh.

What does that mean however? I have no clue. Here's what's holding me back. I'm not worried about having another miscarriage. I mean, o.k. I am...but it's a known entity. I've been there, I know how bad it feels..so it's a fear but it's not my worst fear. My worst fear is how much worse it could get. I mean let's be honest. In my mind a first trimester miscarriage while devastating and tragic and possibly the worst thing that's ever happened to me is not as bad I think as some other pregnancy outcomes I might face. *is it ok that I say that? I mean I did have 4 miscarriages..so I am not talking out of my ass, but I also don't like to quantify pain. To explain how I am feeling though I need to quantify, so please bear with me*

Here are my fears..

If we do try to get pregnant again on our own and by some crazy miracle it works, I am terrified of the end of first trimester tests and what I may have to decide or conclude from those tests. Let's face it either decision with a bad test result is a daunting one..continue a pregnancy that may not make it even to 40 weeks and if so may not make it many months after birth or give birth to a child with severe disabilities and feel the guilt of that? Or feel the crushing guilt of terminating. *Just so we're clear, I would never judge a mother for making either choice.*

Say I get past the first trimester tests and I develop pre eclampsia or some other bad thing that I don't even know about yet..see one thing I do know is that shit doesn't go normally for me in this realm and I am the 1% that the bad shit happens to..so even if I don't know what it is I feel it lurking out there. I'm terrified of losing a baby at a later stage where I've gotten comfortable. How would I ever recover from that is the question I ask myself.

Then adoption stops me in my tracks..donor egg...surrogate...what other bad outcomes are out there with those choices.

I know...I know this is my mind trying to deal with what's happened...trying to protect me by allowing me to prepare for the worst giving me the problems to solve but there are no solutions to these problems.

The people I've dared discuss my fears with try to placate me by saying "the chance of that happening is very low" to which I reply. THE CHANCE OF HAVING A CORNUAL ECTOPIC IS TINY AND THE CHANCE OF HAVING FOUR LOSSES AND NO LIVE BIRTHS SLIM FOR MOST PEOPLE. I AM THE ONE BAD SHIT HAPPENS TO...I AM THE SLIM TO NONE.

I guess that's where I am. How can I have hope to carry me on with what's already happened? All I know in this realm of my life is disappointment and OH SHIT outcomes. How could I honestly be expected to anticipate anything else.

I keep thinking someone(*God, some universal life force, nature, whatever you believe in) is trying to tell me something...for the life of me though I just can't get what it is or I don't want to get it...because if I am honest with myself I think it's telling me I am not going to give birth to DH's and my children but I am just not ready to accept that at all.