Friday, February 10, 2012

Bring me what you will?

It's so hard to wait for the world to bring you what it will....and while you wait it's hard to not allow your heart to grow cold with bitterness.

I heard this song today probably for the first time...and it means so much to me. It doesn't matter what's happened... Christina Perri - A Thousand Years.. I'm sure it's speaking of romantic love but the words couldn't mean more to me..How could I love something that was never realized but I do..I think because I can picture it vividly. I can see it clearly and want it so much. I am coming to the painful realization that it really may not be. I thought I understood what this meant many times but I didn't really know...I had so many more options to try and I thought each one would work. Each one was our way out of this nightmare. When you get to the end of those options it's really a different place.

I read some posts today on Stirrup Queens blog about women who do not have children and some mean spirited comments about them having "nothing" and I have to be honest. On a bad day I see into the nothingness. That's not to say that a childless life can't be fulfilling but if all you've been driving towards in your life is a family and all of a sudden it's made very difficult to get there. That nothingness looms. You suddenly have to change tracks mid stride and it's very disconcerting to say the least. I think at this point I've come off the rails. EMS is picking up the pieces. I'm sure I will get back on track again but for right now I am on fire...a mangled piece of metal. Each piece as it's cleaned up uncovering another mess underneath. This track led to so many things that I know, all the way through to graduations and weddings and grandchildren..where do I fit in that now?

Each day I am doing fine until I'm not. I carpool to work with a guy..and today I had a fine day but in the car on the way home I was on the verge of tears all the way, I can't even pinpoint why? It just "came up".

I helped DH clean out the garage over the weekend and found a lunchbox full of alphabet cookie cutters that I had bought...I thought maybe I'd use them to make cookies with nieces or nephews but in reality I saw myself making cookies with my some point in this journey they made it to the garage but now they have to go. I've been purging these things, that I collected without even knowing. Another is a set of freezer pop molds. My mother made them for us when we were little and I bought the exact set for my future children. It pains me to see them.

I on some level understand that adoption may bring me great joy (obviously I see that it would help out a child as well but I discount that because I don't believe one should adopt for purely philanthropic reasons..) but I can not approach the topic with myself or start the process. I am grieving as selfish as it seems intellectually. I am grieving the loss of our children of our legacy. I feel bad even thinking it but I also know it's the truth. I am also grieving the children that died. What else can I call them? Embryo doesn't do the feelings justice, I don't think. So to myself in my thoughts they were my children and they died. Simple and complicated as that. and I am grieving.

Thank you so much for your responses on my last post. I am so deep into this bad place that I can't be sure of my own reactions anymore. The party was lovely but based on your responses I told the "ringleader" to knock it off and that I was really struggling and lo and behold I got what I needed. Lovely times with my lovely friends..they didn't mean anything by it but they have no way of understanding this dark place I'm in. No way to comprehend it except through my eyes. I tried to show a little bit to them and it was met with love thankfully.

Ugh just read back through this and it reads all the bad but to be honest I've had many good moments as well. I planted some veggies last weekend and we've been working on the house. I spent time with friends. Dh and I are more in love than ever. I've been working out I'm up to running 30 minutes at a time. It's not all this dark place. Just in case you worry.


Mrs. Brightside said...

Wow, I can relate to so much of this. I've just been so sad lately. I've feared that having a child of our own wouldn't work out, but the reality of this feels closer than ever, and my grief is deep. My whole life I assumed I would have these things, I mean c'mon, we played with baby dolls and strollers since like age 2! It's frustrating not to know if you're really at "the end", when to REALLY grieve and move to the next thing, or when to summon hope again. It's so tiring, and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Somehow we'll get through it, right?? I think it's freaking amazing we manage to function in our life at all, so don't beat yourself up about the down days. {hug}

AmyG said...

I'm so glad the party ended up being a good thing, and that they got the message about their sorta-funny-but-overdone joke.

And, yeah, of course you're grieving; of course they weren't just clusters of cells to you. Good for ou for being honest with yourself.

Augusta said...

Grief is going to have to work its way through you on its own schedule. And that is what is healthy. So let it. When you are in a different place, you can think of adoption or whatever is next for you.
Glad that the party was lovely, that your friends love you and support you, and that you are keeping yourself healthy by gardening and running and spending time with your beloved.
I think of you often.

bunny said...

I can't say it any better than the commenters above, but I am thinking of you. Seeing those little reminders of the future you should have sounds completely heartbreaking, and like it would rip open wounds that were not even beginning to heal. I am glad you also had some love and support and that letting your friends in a little didn't make you feel more alone.

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Marissa K said...

I absolutely, absolutely agree about the nothingness. Childlessness makes me feel like I have a gigantic hole in my life where my babies should be. And I have found NOTHING to fill it so far.