There's no way for me to plan my way out of this. No problem solving skill I can use will make this not be reality and I'm having a hard time with it.
It doesn't help that the rest of the world has come to the agreement that nothing ever happened and all is right, at least that's what it seems like. No one has asked how I am. DH even hasn't been talking much about things until that is I had a complete meltdown over the weekend..the gist of which was I am not o.k. with how things turned out and I am not o.k. with not having a family...well duh.
What does that mean however? I have no clue. Here's what's holding me back. I'm not worried about having another miscarriage. I mean, o.k. I am...but it's a known entity. I've been there, I know how bad it feels..so it's a fear but it's not my worst fear. My worst fear is how much worse it could get. I mean let's be honest. In my mind a first trimester miscarriage while devastating and tragic and possibly the worst thing that's ever happened to me is not as bad I think as some other pregnancy outcomes I might face. *is it ok that I say that? I mean I did have 4 miscarriages..so I am not talking out of my ass, but I also don't like to quantify pain. To explain how I am feeling though I need to quantify, so please bear with me*
Here are my fears..
If we do try to get pregnant again on our own and by some crazy miracle it works, I am terrified of the end of first trimester tests and what I may have to decide or conclude from those tests. Let's face it either decision with a bad test result is a daunting one..continue a pregnancy that may not make it even to 40 weeks and if so may not make it many months after birth or give birth to a child with severe disabilities and feel the guilt of that? Or feel the crushing guilt of terminating. *Just so we're clear, I would never judge a mother for making either choice.*
Say I get past the first trimester tests and I develop pre eclampsia or some other bad thing that I don't even know about yet..see one thing I do know is that shit doesn't go normally for me in this realm and I am the 1% that the bad shit happens to..so even if I don't know what it is I feel it lurking out there. I'm terrified of losing a baby at a later stage where I've gotten comfortable. How would I ever recover from that is the question I ask myself.
Then adoption stops me in my tracks..donor egg...surrogate...what other bad outcomes are out there with those choices.
I know...I know this is my mind trying to deal with what's happened...trying to protect me by allowing me to prepare for the worst giving me the problems to solve but there are no solutions to these problems.
The people I've dared discuss my fears with try to placate me by saying "the chance of that happening is very low" to which I reply. THE CHANCE OF HAVING A CORNUAL ECTOPIC IS TINY AND THE CHANCE OF HAVING FOUR LOSSES AND NO LIVE BIRTHS SLIM FOR MOST PEOPLE. I AM THE ONE BAD SHIT HAPPENS TO...I AM THE SLIM TO NONE.
I guess that's where I am. How can I have hope to carry me on with what's already happened? All I know in this realm of my life is disappointment and OH SHIT outcomes. How could I honestly be expected to anticipate anything else.
I keep thinking someone(*God, some universal life force, nature, whatever you believe in) is trying to tell me something...for the life of me though I just can't get what it is or I don't want to get it...because if I am honest with myself I think it's telling me I am not going to give birth to DH's and my children but I am just not ready to accept that at all.
5 comments:
I so understand the place you are at right now and all these questions/concerns going on in your head. I was there last year too and it is a hard stage to get through, trust me, but in the end you have to go with what is in your heart and what is best for you and yours. I knew we couldn't take another possible miscarriage at any point in a pregnancy and I couldn't live with myself if the child had issues either. I know my limits and deep down I believe we all know ours. The other part that I seriously thought about was my marriage and would it be able to sustain going thru more possible heartbreak...I knew the answer was "no" especially after a heart to heart with E. I will pray that you and yours will be able to come to a place of peace whichever way you end up going.
Of course you are scared. You have had more than your fair share of awful things happen in trying to have a child. Your heart is so battered, of course you are grieving and feeling like things are not ok.
I think that grief has its different movements and phases, and that you are at a particularly painful, awful, dark place. And all you have to do right now is just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take exceptionally good care of yourself. The next steps will reveal themselvse in time.
My thoughts are with you, Jennifer.
It's been so long since anything has gone right, it's hard to fathom that it ever could. I have these fears too, that even if I could overcome our current hurdle of the first trimester, there are still so many opportunities for things to go wrong. I try to reassure myself that I've survived this so far, that somehow I'll survive whatever comes next, but the permanent knot of fear in my stomach just can't be good for ya.
I think you are incredibly strong, and could handle whatever you had to. I don't mean to invalidate your fears and feelings of dread by saying this, because it makes perfect sense to me that you'd feel this way. How indeed could you feel hope or expect good things? How many times can a person get knocked down and still think something wonderful is just around the corner? Once is enough to wipe most people out. I hope that you guys find a way to move forward, whatever that may mean. Even if it's not any time soon. In the meantime, I hope your husband has realized that you need more support and starts volunteering it.
I've found the 'everything is doomed' aspect of IF to be one of the worst consequences. Everyone must get it after enough time. For me it spills over to other, non-IF parts of my life (what if I have a car accident? plane crash? etc. etc.). I don't have any answers, just recognize it as a psychological side effect of struggling in one area. Do you have a good therapist? I know I need one.... hang in there. Good luck.
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