Tuesday, May 1, 2012

One foot in

I'm here. Well I'm in Australia right now but I mean I'm still here going about life. I've been away for a couple of weeks now and I am just getting used to the time change and I go back tomorrow. Nice. I also am 31 days into a cycle. My longest cycles are usually 27 days. I know it's probably the jet lag...yes, yes, of course I tested. I should have just broken down and bought a 50 pack of tests from the internet when the thought occurred to me. All (4) tests were negative. BUT..... We did do the dance at approximately the right times for a late ovulation...and last year I was 31 days with negative tests when I was actually pregnant...sooooo of course I am a little bit cautiously optimistic...which is endlessly frustrating. A couple of months ago we decided to not use birth control. Beyond that we hadn't really made any decisions one way or another. Four+ years of highly orchestrated attempted baby making took all aspects of my ability to control away. Also I am now 42. I have all of the issues I had before. The odds are so far outside of our favor that it seems a good bet that we won't have to make anymore decisions about babies, pregnancies etc. Except, I didn't consider the rare variations in my cycle that would throw me for a loop and pull me right back into the what if. The only thing that's different now is I realize and keep reminding myself that after all of this time there's really not a lot that I can do or not do to impact a pregnancy of mine. Ummm...I just typed "this" pregnancy instead of "a". Have I truly lost my mind? Heading back home tomorrow. Seriously missing my kitties and hens and my own bed and my little routines.

4 comments:

bunny said...

HI! I've been thinking of you, hoping you've been ...I don't even know what...as well as possible. Australia! How very cool.

I hope there's a little miracle taking place in your uterus. It's never too late for the universe to do right by you guys! I know as long as you're "not preventing" I'll be hoping with every fiber of my being that you get that happy ending. Not in the massage parlor sense, but in the sense of a sweet little one in your arms at last. Much love to you.

Augusta said...

I just visited your blog yesterday, and was wondering how you were doing. Nice to hear that you are visiting Australia.
I am hoping for some good news in the next few days. Just stay hydrated on that long flight, in case you are not flying solo.
My thoughts are with you, lovely.

Jen said...

Glad to hear you are doing ok, been thinking about you. Australia sounds wonderful. I hope and pray that this could be it. I know it is hard not to look at age at this point, but anything is possible. Keeping you in my prayers.

Mrs. Misfits said...

Oh that flight is brutal! I consider it my benchmark for as long as I can stand to be on a plane without going crazy. I am very glad to see you back, missy. I'm here to follow along for whatever comes next. Wishing all kinds good things to unfold for you.

Everything feels crazy after being at it so long. You are completely sane and I am hopeful that you've got a head start in a crazy time zone.