I just want to be alone

Alone is hard to come by lately and normally I wouldn't complain

But...it's only when I'm alone that I can feel what I really feel without concern that I will worry people or freak people out with the intensity of my emotion regarding what some think I need to put behind me.

I am mostly fine but if I really think about what's happened I'm forever changed.

I have been enjoying the season with only the occasional outburst of "she gets to be pregnant?" type thinking or something similar. At times though I am surprised and saddened at the lack of "Keening" that I am able to do or that others are doing on my behalf. Isn't this sad? Why is everyone trying to pretend it's not?

The stars are not wanted now put out every one
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good

I know it could be worse...believe me I know. I know this is not the saddest outcome in this realm or the saddest problem people have in the world at large...I know..but it could also be much better than it was..is.. and I am mourning my loss alone in a world that doesn't recognize it or doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Sweep it under the rug, pretend you aren't sad. That's 99% of my day. The other 1% is mine and I am fucking gutted. I wanted a child..I want my four children. Maybe they weren't children in other's sense of the word but the spark was there and I want them back and for that 1% of my day when no one is looking, I keen for them as hard as any mother could.

What's next?

I've been thinking about what's next...A LOT.

I don't know if it's too soon but my mind wants to jump there. It's a very confusing place since my mind and body says "I NEVER WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN". This being, get pregnant and miscarry....I mean no one wants that but at just shy of 42 years old and a RPL'r my odds are quite good that if we try this again it will go the same way.

My other part..the part of me that wants a baby says "We got pregnant, how crazy is that? If we could do that again maybe, just maybe it will work out."

and then the other part screams..."I WILL NOT GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN."

So where that leaves us is at adoption, which is a solution to the emptiness that I would feel of having a childless home...

Does that leave us with donor egg options? I don't think so. Still, my mind wanders there.

Child free living? It has its advantages, I can see that, but I can also understand how desolate it feels right now and maybe that's just right now? Maybe I will feel better about that option as time goes on?

Some things that I've been struggling with also that I find completely unfair but I'm sure are fairly common:

the feeling that I did something wrong

the feeling that I am not good enough - that I am being punished

the feeling that if we are this unlucky that other bad things will happen (I have a grave fear that I will lose DH and it turns out he has the same fear. We are clinging to each other like drowning sailors)

the feeling that I've let people down

the feeling that I am somehow less in other aspects of my life, that people will shy away from me and my "bad news". I think this comes from the fact that it actually happens...people don't know what to say and do so they shy away from interactions.

I know those feelings are false and fabricated by my mind in response to what's happening but it's exhausting dealing with them.

On a slightly happier note, I've decided to do it up for the holidays. Send cards, decorate and just really drink it all in. I really want to.

are you f-ing kidding me?

She's pregnant with #20. Seriously? Did I need this slap in the face with my morning coffee?

I'm really doing pretty well considering. Every day is just harder than I wish it were and yesterday I had some desperate thoughts about wishing I could go back in time to when there was still hope...so I could just feel it a little longer.

If the universe would stop kicking me in the gut with pregnancy announcements I might just be able to get back on my feet.

It just gets better

Came in to work today, holding it together, getting things done. Coworker stops by, how am I (Boss told everyone I was sick). Short chat. Then he announces, his wife is due in March...Fuck me.

Holding back tears now and wanting to run away.

It's done

It was awful. I'm sorry but it was. From picking up the pills at the pharmacy to the excruciating pain last night for several hours. The whole thing was awful.

But...I feel better today. Physically I feel like myself again. Still with a cloud of sadness hanging over me but at the same time with a little spring in my step physically.

Thankfully I had DH go with me to the pharmacy because as the pharmacist was counseling me and said, you will insert 4 pills into the...I burst into tears. Not just a little teary eyed. It was ugly, sobbing, can't catch my breath tears. Poor woman. I tried to apologize to her and then ran away down the aisle to DH who walked me out to the car and went back and finished up the transaction. To her credit she said "I'm so sorry" at least four times to me.

As soon as I got back in the car I was better and DH and I went home and I was going to wait for the weekend and I just decided I had to get it done, the anxiety was killing me. So I took 1 painkiller, and inserted the pills...then panicked and took a second pain killer - the max dose. Thankfully I did because in an hour I got up to use the restroom and it had started but I hadn't really felt anything. I thought I might get through this alright. Another hour later though and I was moaning on the couch praying for time to pass so that I could take some more pain pills, rocking and getting up carefully to pass a lot of "stuff". I made quite a mess. That part didn't bother me and I was able to identify the GS as well as open it to look for any signs of an embryo. I didn't find anything identifiable which was somewhat of a relief.

I spent a good majority of the night in quite a bit of pain. I think DH was well and truly freaked out. He held it together though and helped me all evening.

Today I am sore...that's the only word to describe it but I think everything went as well as I could have expected so I feel some comfort in that.

I think I may have to intervene

Nausea when you are in the midst of a precious pregnancy is one thing. Nausea and headache when you already know it's over are another entirely. I thought maybe once my body realized the crinone was gone it would do what needed to be done...and I realize it's only Tuesday and my last dose was Sunday but this is torture.

I don't want surgery. I just don't want to go under again, each surgery in the past couple of years have had me saying.."ok this is the last one" only to find myself going under again. I just won't do it.

So that leaves me with the dreaded hoo ha pills and from what I've googled and from what the Dr said it won't be pretty but it will be over fairly quickly. So that's the plan. I am going to speak to DH when he gets home from work and tell him what I've decided and then call the Dr in the am to order the meds. I just hope I'm not on the wrong side of the odds once again, ending up in the ER with an emergency D&C for bad bleeding...like some of the women I read about online....I am beginning to hate Dr Google.

I wasn't as catatonic today and actually worked from home accomplishing a good amount. I am going to go in tomorrow. I think it will help with re-animation.

I'm more angry than sad but then at odd moments I burst into tears. Humpf.