Blindsided

Well I expected to have a nice weekend visiting with DH's family. A picnic, a couple of birthdays, a lovely time had by all.

What I was least expecting was dear cousin to be talking about her plans for a home birth.

I was shut down, turned around, unsure of myself and lost.

I just wish Aunt DH would have emailed me and DH ahead of time. I had NO IDEA this was news I'd be getting this weekend...I didn't think I'd be thinking about things like...."yeah that must be fun to tell people you are pregnant"...."to plan an at home birth"...."to be feeling morning sickness" YES I WAS JEALOUS OF HER MORNING SICKNESS! I was GREENER than GREEN. Why can't that be me? Why? Why? I am reduced to this?

And do you know the kicker.....? She declined a margarita and said...oh no you and Dear Aunt have two for me. What I heard... "Go ahead bitch have a margarita, cause you're not pregnant...and may never be again."

I had no idea this was the weekend I was in for.

I had no idea this was the reaction I would have.

I had no idea I would spend my Sunday feeling alternately bad about myself for how jealous I am, and being jealous beyond belief and all reasoning.

DH's family is lovely. Loving, kind, excitable, family people and I am unable to provide "family". Don't get me wrong they love me no less, but I feel the loss of continuity....the loss of tradition....the loss...Please god tell me when this sorrow will end for me?? Have I mourned enough yet? Please?

I can't teach you that

So at work people are always thinking I can just "teach" them how to do what I do, like I just came in and started doing it and it can't possibly be that hard..

I went to college for 4+ years, sat in classes with brutal sexist profs and only males in the class to learn this stuff. If I can't say to you a record, field, tables, sql statement etc and you get what I mean, then I can't teach you how to do what I do...

I didn't even do that well in school. I am a solid B-C student..Almost hated school, would much rather be out doing, working.. but I still can't "show you".

If I were that replaceable I would already be replaced. Let's face it I am not the prettiest or the most outgoing or personable...I am a bit frumpy.

I don't expect a Dr to teach me what they do. I don't expect a chef to "show me" in 10 minutes. A mechanic..nope can't pick that up on the fly. Writer? Nope not that either. I am a Computer Scientist, not a rocket scientist but I still can't condense down what I know into a 10 minute conversation with you at my desk.

So don't get all pissy with me when you can't get it. You do lots of things well, that I will never get either. Let's just leave it at that.

This is my passive aggressive post to someone that will never read it...anyway I feel a little better.

If you can't tell, this is driving me crazy at work. ;)

Weight loss update

So I didn't do any kind of weight loss attempts went out for our anniversary dinner and had full on appetizer, salad, dinner and dessert and I've lost 4 lbs...and I wonder why weight loss is a mystery to me.

Didn't walk yet this week - have been so tired. Have to get back on that train, I want it to be a habit on the off chance I get knocked up I think it will help with keeping me feeling good. I am already overweight and have concerns about that but exercise always makes me look a lot healthier on paper (BP, etc) than I do in person.

I ran a marathon in 2004 in San Francisco...very slowly but during the months of training I lost only five lbs. I went to donate blood around that same time and the woman taking my vitals said I was healthier than she ever imagined looking at me *gee thanks*.

Anyway it's always been a worry that my weight is an issue with fertility even though countless dr's have said that my health stats look like a much thinner woman...still they don't always know everything.

So to make myself feel better, I am going to keep on seeing if I can move that number on the scale. I have been thinking about Adele's posts on her nutritionist...wondering if I should bite the bullet and try something like that.

Chick Update

So little chicken is doing much better - I don't know why. Vet said it could be the anti inflammatory that I have been giving her through a little dropper twice a day and she will go downhill at a later date OR she could be fine and may have had some other issue than the dreaded chicken virus.

Either way we have a reprieve and that makes me happy. She's being her usual self running around clucking self importantly at her sister and eating everything in sight.

I am coming up on the end of this cycle - a new kind of two week wait. Not the usual - this one I am waiting for the start of a cycle where we can try again. On about day 6 we will have the sonohysterogram and then if all is good we can go ahead and try for a natural cycle. A NATURAL CYCLE...like I think that will work AHAHAHAHAH. :) but we will try and if not we start IVF the month after.

Something new that's been bugging me is the impact this IF has had on my work life. I skipped the company picnic on Friday. It's a baby and child fest that tortured me last year. I ended up babysitting a co workers daughter and helping her get her face painted etc. It was lovely to spend time with her - I love kids but also bittersweet and this year my co worker who I got pregnant at the same time with last year was coming with her little boy and I just couldn't face it.

So I missed out on all of the schmoozing and networking because I just can't handle the fact that she has a beautiful little boy and I have a horrible miscarriage memory. The first time she brought her baby to work and had me hold him (She knew I had miscarried...) I felt completely numb and couldn't wait to hand him back and had a few weeks where I wondered if maybe I shouldn't have kids since I so obviously had no feelings for this one and possibly any....

So on top of everything else what angers me about IF is the unrecognized impacts. Is it the end of the world I missed the company picnic? No probably not, but did it keep me from networking, make me look non company oriented, mark me in some way as an outsider...Yes I think it might have.

Poor little Chick

One of my chickens is sick. She started to walk kind of like a duck hunched down and that evening she was moving a tiny bit and laying down with her wings kind of out to the side. She went to the vet (yes..these are pet chickens) and we were told she has a virus that she should have been vaccinated for when she hatched...I wasn't aware that I needed to ask this question and neither was the friend who bought her for me.

I have one other that I hope doesn't come down with the same thing, but now I am trying to decide what to do with her. I have made a softer spot for her to lay down and put her food and water next to her but I think the kinder thing would be to euthanize her...I just am so reluctant to do it. I hate making these kinds of decisions. Plus I have grown very fond of these two birds...way more fond than one should be of farm animals.

What's troubling (on top of the obvious) is the voice in the back of my head that says...Why me, haven't I been through enough? Now these are animals and I realize that this is a common thing for animals to die but I can't help but feel a little sorry for myself. Why the hell can't I just have my chickens and be in peace and watch them wander around the yard and get my eggs. Why do I have to suffer through another death and feel completely helpless and inefficient yet again.. how's that for feeling sorry for oneself? DH is having the same feelings...which makes me even sadder...what a couple of sad sacks we are. He even said the words "I am sad" which totally threw me. Took him months to even contemplate having a conversation about the pregnancy losses.

Weighty issues

So I did really well on my diet for a couple of weeks, and didn't drop a pound. Then went off the estrace and onto the prometrium and gained two...didn't really diet that week, so the net is a two lb gain.

The only positive news I have healthwise is that I have been getting up early walking in the mornings. I did two days last week and three days the week before. I walked yesterday as well and did a big hike over the weekend. It feels really good and I hope I can continue that for the long term.

So I am trying to lean to the positive but the dieting aspect always defeats me. These are the things that worry me about being a parent....if I do get lucky enough to have a child I hope I don't mess them up with my weighty issues...

Benched

Well I am all recovered from the surgery and finally stopped bleeding and I am so ready to get back in the game but I must wait. So I have been putting all of my good thoughts into my friend and her (what feels like) 100th ivf attempt. She went today and again she got cancelled because not enough follicles....what can I say to her....

The dr said that's it no more ivf unless she moves to donor eggs. I wish I could fix it or at least come up with the right thing to say.

Wishful Thinking

I find myself walking around the last couple days thinking I might actually get pregnant. Earlier I saw a co worker who has been wearing baggier shirts and eating more than normal and the thought occured to me that she may be pregnant and how far along might she be and would we end up on maternity leave back to back.

Now, I am on a break... I just got done with the estrace and started one prometrium at night for a week and then I have to wait a whole nother month to even think about starting and that's after another view of my lady parts by my dr. So it's funny that I had this dialog in my head. I guess for a moment it seemed possible that when we start trying again we will actually get pregnant and it will go well.

It gives me the giggles which is a far better state than I have been in awhile. Let's just say I feel cautiously optomistic which is better than expecting the worst.

I am dieting. I figured since I had the time it might be nice to get into a BMI that doesn't raise my risk for miscarriage...optimize the whole body now that the uterus is optimized.

I am doing Weight Watchers. I've done it before and it's worked well for me. Last week though I didn't lose anything and I kept on plan so I should have lost. Does anyone know if the estrace causes weight gain? I know progesterone makes me bloat up like crazy but wasn't sure about the estrogen.

I've also been considering accupuncture, I've read about other ladies doing it but it's hard for me to get on board for another apt where someone pokes me with needles. I have had enough of that for a lifetime :) Wondering if anyone had a really good experience they'd like to share with me?

Is it over?

Well I had my surgery, Hysteroscopic septum resection and laparoscopy. It went really well. There was a septum, a decent sized one that made my tubal openings very constricted. The Dr showed me pics and it honestly looked like a nose in there, rubbery and in the way. Weird. Recovery was fine, I had a Foley catheter for 4 days after and that was the biggest pain, it kept leaking and the plug on the end would pop off…To say I didn’t dare leave the house is an understatement. We can’t be intimate for two weeks, but I honestly don’t think that’s an issue for my hubby after how he had to see me recently…He can’t take that kind of stuff.

Now I am on estrogen for another week and then will start the progesterone for a week, then hopefully will get a period. I have to wait another full cycle after that, and then I call Dr on day one to schedule the Sonohysterogram to make sure everything is doing what she wants it to do. Then we can try again.

My Dr went over the images with me, before septum, after septum, tubes, ovaries, small bits of endo, my liver etc. All fixed all good. She showed me how constricted my tubes were which is a good reason for my ectopic, how inhospitable the environment which is a good reason for the miscarriages and all my heartache.

You might think I would be happy. I thought I would be! Hopeful and happy and ready to go. I am numb. Which is why I have not been posting, reading, commenting. I just can’t get going again. I may have lost faith. I read others posts, strong, strong women who are still going, after way more than I’ve had to put up with and I feel weak. Where’s my drive gone? Am I done?

What a whiner I feel like. They found it! This is what I have been waiting for, a REASON. Why am I so nonplussed? Is it fear? Do I really believe that they’ve found it? Do I finally realize that I will never be able to undo what’s happened over the last 2 + years? Not even when they find it…can I change what happened.

I am trying. I will keep trying. But…when will I be done?