Saturday, June 15, 2013

I don't follow any matter how hard I try

When I had my taxes done this year my tax lady said to me.."So looks like you're pretty risk averse" as she was looking over our finances..And she's right I am so risk averse it's a joke among my friends, colleagues, family.

Apparently though that risk aversion doesn't apply to my reproductive health.  If it did I never would have tried the second, third, fourth, hundredth time and if it did I wouldn't be pregnant right now...

That's right.  You read that correctly. 

The day after my last post which was all about how well I am doing and how I've moved on I had some spotting.  More pink water than was odd.  It was day 20...So my first thought was oh man I am really starting into perimenopause now.  My cycles had been down around 23 - 26 days but never at 20. 

But I didn't have anymore spotting or bleeding and my period didn't come.  So I tested and I got a faint line of the sort my husband looks at me like I've completely lost my mind but then the next day he saw it too and the next day it was undeniable.  I waited until a normal period would have come and called the Dr.  I just really felt this was going to go away and the next day or the next I would not be pregnant anymore.  It hasn't gone away and my hcg levels and progesterone are good.  We did two levels and they are exactly on the average scale, not high and not low and exactly doubling as they should. I'm not doing anymore bloodwork.  I know after all of these I've been through that there's nothing I can do to change the levels. We have an US on Thursday the 20th and we'll see what we can see.

I'm taking a baby aspirin a day at the request of my Dr. and I am using a natural progesterone cream bio identical.  I started back with acupuncture and am also going to take the herbal formula my acupuncturist gave me.  (Of course I Googled every ingredient to make sure it's safe and I feel relatively good about it).

Now here's how I think this happened, other than sheer luck.  We were not trying.  We never did get on any sort of birth control and DH never made his vasectomy apt.  I didn't push.  My therapist says it's likely that my emotional mind never caught up to my rational mind in understanding that I wanted to shut down the factory hence my ambivalence.  What did happen is I was having horrific pre menopausal symptoms.  Hot flashes, moodiness, loss of libido.  I was talking to my sister, who is 3 years older, and she suggested I try a natural progesterone cream that she had used.  If you want to know the name let me know and I will email you.   So I started using it and actually had a 28 day cycle.  The second cycle I got a normal period and also got a cold and so I was taking mucinex every day for the days leading up to what must have been "the" ovulation".  My libido came back...with a vengeance.  I felt 20 even though I was getting over a cold.  DH and I had a day of 20 something sex.

So there you have it. A highly unlikely pregnancy at 43.  Since I found out I have been reluctant to talk about it.  I had to cancel a work trip which would fall during the week of two of my previous miscarriages.  That is the last thing I want, to miscarry in another country without friends or loved ones.  I hated telling my boss why.  He was great about it but I don't want to talk about it.  Something about it being real and having to deal with the real possibility of failure.  There's a little bit of embarrassment...that I am here again after all that's happened.  I'm not sure what that's about but it's there.  It's also why I didn't post until now.  I wasn't going to post at all...Was just going to go out with my last post but then this is a real story about my real journey so that didn't seem right. So here I am, 43 and pregnant after years of infertility and 4 miscarriages (really five but I have a hard time counting the chemical as I suspect there were more of those that went unnoticed)


Mrs. Misfits said...

I love these kinds of scenarios. I will stand by and just say how gloriously fantastic it is that you had some awesome 20-something sex. I find that to be enviable outright. If the universe sees fit to let that backseat style monkey business come to fruition, well, THAT would be even as awesome.

I'll take small hope in average. Plus. HOT DAMN you sexy 43-year-old! I will also need to email you to talk about said progesterone cream. My libido needs some spark. Some lighter fluid. Maybe a log or three. And quite possibly a flame thrower at this point.

Lisa said...

Ummm...wholly shit! Its been a while since I've caught up with you. This is fantastic news. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for a solid heartbeat on the 20th!

Jen said... about coming out of left field (such a great surprise). Much congrats and I will be praying for you...come on stick little one.

Miranda said...

WOW. This is, perhaps, my most shocking read of all time in the blogging world. HOLY. COW. Also, don't know why I didn't learn from reading Misfit's posts that I should refrain from reading at work, because I cry. And gasp, and then I cry some more. Sending nothing but good thoughts and also a wee bit of jealousy about the awesome sex!