I think about blogging at the worst times lately and then when I actually have a minute to type up a post at the computer I draw a blank. So this is me, trying to remember the eloquent post I was thinking about yesterday during a mtg.
Even though I said we were done, Last month we did try to get pregnant. We didn't try to time things. I didn't take my temp, I didn't obsess about it as much as other months. Even though I knew it was a long shot, I was still convinced come CD25 that I was knocked up. Just convinced. It didn't help that I had a horoscope that week that was all about something I had been wishing for finally coming true and my boobs were sore, and I was having cramping.
Turns out it was just a crampy month. It doesn't escape me that since the septum surgery my periods just suck. Very crampy and that's not the norm for me. Just another "not fair" to add to my list.
Also was finally cleaning out the study closet. It tends to be the catch all closet for us. I've moved 4 times in the last 10 years and there is this box that came with me 10 years ago that never got unpacked. Some memory kind of stuff, stuff you just don't throw away even though it has no real purpose. Well I found a deck of tarot cards in this box which made me remember the lady that gave them to me.
She was into all of that kind of stuff, and had even taken me to a psychic who was eerily right on about a relationship I was in at the time. This friend also was studying Ryki and had a family of healers and let's just say people of intuition. Now I'm not a big believer in that kind of thing. I am interested in it from a "that's interesting" perspective. I realize that I don't know everything and maybe this is just another human skill. SO long story short, this lady did a horoscope reading, really in depth, using the actual time of my birth kind of thing. During this reading she told me that I would never have children. Yeah, she told me that. She had a book that she gave me to read, all about how I've moved through that phase in my "lives" and that mothering is a skill I don't need to learn...anyway I am paraphrasing..I don't really remember exactly but that was the gist.
The thing is I was "young" at the time, and I thought she was a little crazy :) and I didn't really give it a second thought.
But as I sit here at 41, infertile, childless. This story, this portion of my life is making me a little crazy. I keep turning it over in my mind. I just can't put it away. I mean really, it's just coincedence that she said that to me, that this was my reading. Right?
Oh, and I tried to discuss it with my BFF. She rolled her eyes and said something "smart" about me losing my mind. Which may have been something I might have done as well, if I hadn't had this IF experience. I mean obviously I was bringing it up for a reason...crazy or not. I'd like to think I'd be more compassionate with her under similiar cicumstances, but then again who knows.
6 comments:
Yikes, I would also be freaked out by that reading. I do realize that this could all be coincidence that you find your self without children now, but strange none the less.
I wrote about post yesterday about feeling hopeful even though there is no real good reason to feel that way. I got a ton of nice responses most reminding me that it is ok to have hope burried away deep in there some place. Sounds like the same for you. I guess the back side of this is that when we hope we also set oursleves up for massive disappointments... I guess there is no easy way.
Wooooooaah! That's super freaky, and impossible to put out of your mind. I am also not at all prone to believing those kinds of things, but my mother made me have one of those elaborate readings (an astrological chart reading, I think it was) done, and I still remember the things the person said. Anyway, okay, maybe you won't have children, but if so, it won't be because it was somehow your FATE. (I don't believe that, anyway). She just has a 50% chance of being right about a random guess. But still, totally eerie.
I'm sorry your BFF's reaction was not more sympathetic--it's generous of you to realize you might not get it either if you weren't where you are, but still sucky to not get support when you open up.
I dunno. I'm like you. I think this sort of stuff is interesting but I'm not sure I believe in it. But I've seen the stories about the Dali Lama and how they find him each time he (supposedly) reincarnates. It's intriguing.
There's a part of me that would be calmed by knowing that the reason I'm not getting children in this life is that I've already done it before and, apparently, did a good enough job that I don't need to relearn that. There's a comfort there for me - hopefully for you too.
I once had a horoscope done when I was very young that said that I'd never marry, or I'd marry many many times. It's odd, because I've never married (I'm 46) but I've had MANY serious live in boyfriends (one lasting 10 years). They've been like marriages to me as they've lasted so long. I think my horoscope was eerily accurate.
I also had someone in the last few years tell me I'd have twins: a boy and a girl. I've got a few fingers and toes crossed on that one! :)
I don't believe in the hooey. I am deeply superstitious on the other hand. Oh I am torn in what to tell you other than this would have spooked me as well.
The good news is that so far, no one has proven that anyone can predict the future. And like Bunny said, there might be some people throwing out guesses and this lady likely saw your deepest fear and hit it dead on. And I am disappointed that your friend couldn't just see this from your angle. Sure, you would need to tilt your head just so, but by no means would you have to look crazy.
And I'm irritated on your behalf on the crampy period month. That's just unfair in all kinds of ways.
I remember getting a psychic reading years ago and the lady told me that I would get married twice. This has always freaked me out because I am still on marriage #1 (and very happy in it) and it always unnerved me to have that statement of the psychics in the back of my mind. Until a friend of mine who is really into this sort of thing told me that your readings can change over time. What was 'true and correct' for your reading many years ago may not be true if you get a reading today. I don't know if that will comfort you or not because I guess its that whole feeling of wondering if you have any say in your own life or is it all just predetermined. I have to hope the reading is wrong.
And I'm sorry your BFF couldnt see that you were after a bit of understanding. It hurts when those close to us don't get it. I'm sorry she made you feel that way.
xx Hugs
What an icky thing to have in your memory. I hope it hasn't been weighing on you too much. And congrats on getting the closet cleaned out!
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