Wow it's been awhile.

I've been thinking about posting this for awhile.  So now I am finally doing it.

When I was in the midst of infertility and miscarriages I would read through entire blogs beginning to end hoping to find some hope or solace.  The saddest ones were those that just ended.  Where the person stopped blogging and the story was unfinished.

I'm not meaning to close out my blog but I've been feeling good lately and feel some closure on some of my issues so I wanted to update if it would be at all helpful to anyone who is where I was a couple of years ago.

DH and I decided not to pursue anymore treatment.  We also decided not to pursue adoption although lately I have been reading a lot about foster to adopt programs and we may pursue that at some point.  I am finally ok with the idea of an older child coming into our family and the idea of making a family with a child that would be ours in every way but who I didn't give birth to.

I've also started volunteering with a program for children.  It's been wonderfully restorative and has helped me realize that I have a very maternal streak and that I would not have trouble loving and nurturing a child who was not mine genetically. 

On the flip side I have been traveling, seeing friends, planning outings, volunteering in other capacities and just enjoying the life and the freedom that I have.  As hard as infertility was I have to admit that not having children frees up a whole lot of time and money to pursue other options.  It was hard to see this while we were involved in treatments and miscarriages but now that things have calmed down I do see the silver lining.

Work has been fantastic.  I put my all into it and was recognized for that and am very happy with where I am with my career and look forward to more of the same.  I think because of the strength I learned from my horrible experiences I stopped sweating the small stuff and gained a lot of confidence in myself.  That confidence has allowed me to really step out of my comfort zone.

I don't know where we will end up with our family building.  We are on the fence with one side foster/adopt and one side childfree living but right now we are doing well.  During each miscarriage I thought I'd never survive, but each time I got through it.  I still have my moments.  Mothers day will never be my favorite day and I sometimes still cry about what I've lost but for the majority of the day I am happy and whole.