Goodby dear friend

What I've feared for over a year has finally happened. We had to put our little kitty down. We had kept him happy and feeling good for over a year with the cancer but in the last few ways he went downhill quickly. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do to say goodbye and actually choose to let him go. I keep looking for him in his usual spots and waiting for him to shuffle by. He'll be missed.

Almost Full Term in an alternate universe

I would be almost full term - 39 weeks give or take a few days since the dating on my last pregnancy was so iffy. I can't believe that much time has gone by. It feels like yesterday that I had the miscarriage. It was brought to my attention though by the two ladies I know who also got pregnant at that time and who are now going out on maternity leave. Well, happy mothers day to me NOT. It was a rough day yesterday. I know it was rough for a lot of us. I hope all of you made it through the day ok and are feeling well today.

No miracles just jet lag

It was just jet lag. I hate to admit this but I actually felt a little bit relieved....I am very conflicted at this point. I think it's mostly because I no longer have the capacity to see a good outcome. I think that means we should really just move on but somehow I can't take myself all the way out of the game. I've been working out quite a bit and seeing some real progress. I may actually wear a tank top this summer. We'll see. :)

One foot in

I'm here. Well I'm in Australia right now but I mean I'm still here going about life. I've been away for a couple of weeks now and I am just getting used to the time change and I go back tomorrow. Nice. I also am 31 days into a cycle. My longest cycles are usually 27 days. I know it's probably the jet lag...yes, yes, of course I tested. I should have just broken down and bought a 50 pack of tests from the internet when the thought occurred to me. All (4) tests were negative. BUT..... We did do the dance at approximately the right times for a late ovulation...and last year I was 31 days with negative tests when I was actually pregnant...sooooo of course I am a little bit cautiously optimistic...which is endlessly frustrating. A couple of months ago we decided to not use birth control. Beyond that we hadn't really made any decisions one way or another. Four+ years of highly orchestrated attempted baby making took all aspects of my ability to control away. Also I am now 42. I have all of the issues I had before. The odds are so far outside of our favor that it seems a good bet that we won't have to make anymore decisions about babies, pregnancies etc. Except, I didn't consider the rare variations in my cycle that would throw me for a loop and pull me right back into the what if. The only thing that's different now is I realize and keep reminding myself that after all of this time there's really not a lot that I can do or not do to impact a pregnancy of mine. Ummm...I just typed "this" pregnancy instead of "a". Have I truly lost my mind? Heading back home tomorrow. Seriously missing my kitties and hens and my own bed and my little routines.