Random

Diet - One more week down and it went really well. I am rocking it and I hope it continues.

I also signed up for a Mind Body Class for eight weeks starting in April. Here's a short description "Develop new perspectives and qualities that will support you through your fertility challenge". I definitely can use some new perspectives and I like the idea that it will give me skills I can use even if my fertility challenge is that IVF didn't work either and I am still childless. That outcome would be more challenging than an IVF cycle I think.

Still on for IVF in May I am not going to call the clinic though until the beginning of my next cycle.

I spoke to someone about my infertility challenges, someone in the know and even though I know this is a true statement I was put off "Age is not on your side". Yes yes I know age is not on my side. Can we just stop talking about it. I can no more turn back time than I can bring someone back from the dead so telling me that age is not on my side is useless and just makes me feel bad that I was not able to have a child earlier in life. Don't tell me I should try IVF and then in the next instant act like if I don't do it tomorrow I better forget it. Gheesh...I mean it's May - I'm not talking about waiting until 2020.

Making Progress

I did my due diligence around an IVF cycle in the near future. I reread the IVF materials and looked at what we need to do prior. Good news is two things are already checked off. Injection training and the financial review.

Based on timing and money we've decided to start the process in April with IVF to begin with the May cycle. One thing I do need to check is some of the things that were covered for us last year (ultrasounds and testing) may not be this year...In my "I'm not doing IVF and I'm done with doctors apts" mind set I elected a High deductible PPO and HSA account for this year and I think that means it's all on us. The good news is I have the HSA account which my company contributes to, to use.

I've also decided to use this time before to really get serious about my weight. I stepped on the scale a couple of weeks ago and almost fell off. I was at my highest weight in 15 years....15. I had a significant issue with weight in my late 20's that I was able to get under control and I had kept a pretty steady weight for the last 10 years. With everything to do with loss and infertility happening and finally culminating at the end of last year I really just went a little crazy with the self soothing. I'm talking no filter on what I wanted to eat. That weight though has shocked me back to reality. I'm healthy now, but if I keep going down that road I will not remain so for long and I can't feel good about starting IVF with this issue rearing it's ugly head.

Two weeks now and I am feeling good. I am not doing anything drastic. Just lots of Veggies, protein and fruit with an odd smattering of grains thrown in. I've basically thrown away alcohol and sugar based carbs. It's working, imagine that :) I am planning one weekend day to have a couple of drinks and a little more treats and then back to it. That way I won't lose my mind. I'm following the P.o.i.n.t.s program and am saving my weekly p.o.i.n.t.s for that one day.

Thinking about doing IVF has me in an odd state of mind. I have had some thoughts come up again in the last couple of days like this..what if I do get pregnant after all of this and I am a bad mother? What if I get pregnant after all of this and I am an ungrateful mother? What am I supposed to do with those thoughts? I mean I know they are just thoughts, fear based and they don't mean that's what will happen but why do they have to pop in and complicate things?

The mom who left her kids and how it makes me feel

I like to think of myself as non judgemental....but I feel a lot of judgement about this article

Am I just delusional about how hard parenting is? Maybe I am. I just can't imagine doing the same.

What do you all think?

Oh and CD1 came so we are reset. My back(and front)pain is gone too, what a relief.

I am calling the clinic to make an apt with the nurse to see what final tests I need to do for IVF and what tests I need to redo now I've let it go so long and to order my meds and just generally figure it out. I moved some money around that we had been putting aside for this or adoption and it pains me a little bit to think about spending it and possibly putting off adoption again if this doesn't pan out..but It looks like we are doing it. Unfortunately I don't feel any relief in it but I feel I need to do it to have closure. I don't know if that's silly or not. Of course there's a small part of me that thinks it might work but the well conditioned negative part is on the look out for all of the pitfalls.

What the?

So I've had two days now of pink tinged spotting...not even spotting really...if I weren't looking for it I wouldn't notice it on the TP....no flow? I thought the spotting yesterday was the start of it but I guess not.

So of course just to be sure I tested. Another BFN today to add to the other 8.

Based on our BD'ing and a few days after. The earliest earliest I could be is 12dpo and that's if one of the swimmers lived 5 days, I mean that seems unlikely. I didn't chart this month so I don't know when O was. I do know that I should have a BFP at 12dpo.

What on earth. Cyst? I still have terrible back pain and bloating. My stomach keeps making these gassy noises at work that I swear my cubemates can hear. Nothings coming out though although I wish it were maybe I'd feel better :) Lovely I know.

I wish this cycle would just get on with it already.