It's not bad enough I'm infertile and miscarried three babies.

Apparently I also am meant to suffer excruciating pain in the lead up to my periods now.

Severe back aches and cramping, with nausea this month and sore breasts for days. Yes, Yes, of course I tested. BFN times eight. Yes I said eight. Eight more HPT's for the landfill. I am sufficiently ashamed of my lack of self control.

I ask you though, what am I supposed to think? I have been feeling so crappy and the only thing that makes that kind of discomfort bearable is the idea that by some miracle I might be knocked up.

I'm not.

My only consolation is that perhaps as I bleed this horror of pain will end. The physical not the mental. I plan to dull that later with a glass or two of red wine.

Still here, still infertile.

P.S. I decided to try IVF. Well at least 60% of me has decided. The other 40% is still resisting. You should hear the conversations with my DH. Him: What do you want to do? Me: I think we should do it...but I really don't want to? Him: Uh what? Me: I go on and on for several minutes about why and why not.... Him: Ok maybe we should talk again in a couple of days. Me: defeated OK

The walls been hit

I am so tired. This jet lag is really messing with me. I wake up every morning this week at 3am wide awake, then finally fall back asleep after an hour or so only to find it extremely difficult to get up. Then in the afternoon I crash.

Today I blew past my alarm clock and woke up to find it almost 11am....Ooops...I emailed work and took a PTO day. This is so not like me. I never do this. Even in my younger years when I would go out with friends on a week night I still made it to work. I feel really out of it. And of course even though I know I flew ahead in time to Asia, and then back again losing a day gaining a day, not sleeping, eating strange food, meeting new people and doing a lot of social interaction which exhausts me etc. I still had the thought...maybe I should get a pregnancy test. I blame it on that show - "I didn't know I was..." you know the one. Where she gets her period but is pregnant anyway against all odds even though she has cystic ovaries or is 50.

How long will that thought still pop up? It's so irrational.

So I was laying on the couch trying to feel more awake and I watched "Say yes to the .d.r.e.s.s" and ended up crying because I will never see a daughter walk down the aisle or a son. What the crap. I still may see it. There's adoption. There are options. Right? Hmpf.

Radio Silent

I've been traveling for work and haven't been reading, commenting or posting. I am still in Asia but finally have some down time and free internet :)so I was able to read and comment today.

Infertility has been on the back burner lately. I did consider and hope by some miracle that I might be pregnant this month but the feeling and eventual let down was easier. Maybe each month will get easier, here's hoping.

Most of my colleagues here are young - mid 20's to early 30's and just getting started with their marriages and boyfriends. One young lady said that she and her husband want to enjoy each other before they start a family. Since children are so much work. I had to clamp my mouth shut so that I would not blurt out things like "Don't wait too long" and " A womans fertility sharply declines at 35" and "Do you know what a true miracle it is to actually get pregnant?" I didn't say any of those things. I didn't want the blank and "what's wrong with this old lady" stares.

I've been enjoying myself though. Experiencing local cuisine, and traveling with locals is so preferable to just showing up as a tourist. My team has been very kind, traveling around with me and taking me to the really interesting places. It's been an awesome trip. Plus it's the first time I've met some of them and this will definitely improve our team feeling. We are now not just faceless email colleagues. We are getting to know eachother. It's been nice.

I am excited to get back. I want to attempt to get pregnant this month. I have decided that IVF is not necessarily the be all and end all. I can still do what nature intended and see what happens. I know this is a long shot, but it's something. It feels better that way. I have really let go of this whole thing being my fault and that's been good. I've let go of the "IF I just: was thinner, ate the "right" foods, did yoga, had started treatment earlier, took more and different vitamins, had accupuncture, started trying earlier, was better, smarter, stronger, different... I would have gotten pregnant"

I know I should never have felt all of that, but I did and it hurt. I feel like I am coming out of a very dark period but it is getting better. I feel sad at times and very sad at others, but I also feel hopeful for a good future with lots of joy and a sense of wonder about what my future will bring. I guess I feel less stuck.