I apologize

First off let me start with an apology..for the last week I've been thinking about posting when I am not feeling at rock bottom and of course I didn't so here's another post of me losing it...which I am sorry for. It's also on those days that I have a tough time commenting so my comments have dropped. I really do have whole days of doing fine but it seems like I only post on the bad ones. I'll try to remedy that in the future but for today it's a not so nice one.

We went to our follow up apt for the IVF which ended up being a follow up to the IVF and the shit storm of a roller coaster we got onto with the pregnancy after the IVF.

I actually had been doing pretty well this week until today. I didn't realize how depressing this conversation was going to be. I was not at all prepared.

The gist of it is of course we can continue to try and get pregnant but there's really a very slim chance that we will ever end up with a live healthy baby from a union of my egg and his sperm. Donor and embryo adoption are pretty much off the table too. I'm on the cusp of 42 with two prior uterine surgeries and 4 pregnancy losses. The odds are not with us.

We can go as far as doing IVF with PGD and maybe doing several IVF freezing the embryos and then testing to do one mother of a transfer...in fact we could go all the way to gestational surrogate at that point. We could.

We could do as little as just let nature take its course and see if the next embryo sperm combination could grow..or the next. She confirmed though that my chance of having another miscarriage due to my age is already quite good and that adding in the uterine difficulties I've had it's daunting.

We could do any combination within that range including ovulation induction with IUI including doing a massive IVF type induction and then doing only the IUI portion since with me it seems to be an embryo numbers game and not an issue with our egg and sperm getting together.

Basically she's not telling us to do any of these or quit which I suppose is good but at the same time it's quite bad. She basically said. You can get pregnant and it's possible that you could create a viable embryo and it won't hurt you *physically* to try but it's a pretty long shot. What's more likely is that I would miscarry again...and again.

I think about putting this behind me.
I think about trying again and just being brave.
I think about adoption.
I think about the what ifs of all of the scenarios.
I'm exhausted.

It was a very sad visit. She knows and we know that it is likely over for us and that is just so sad it's hard to even comprehend how sad it is.

I now have a massive headache and didn't finish a massive report that I need to get done and all I want to do is go to bed and have a long sleep.

A Bitter Pill and nothing to wash it down

It's happening all the fuck over again.

During my first pregnancy a coworker was also pregnant. Of course she went on to have a beautiful baby girl and I became aquainted with pain and methotrexate.

During my second pregnancy a co worker was also pregnant. Having been told that my first loss was a fluke, a one in a lifetime bad luck event. I was blissfully comparing notes with her and discussing things. We had even talked beforehand about getting pregnant and ovulation predictor kits etc. Then she stayed pregnant and went on to have a beautiful baby boy and I became aquainted with loss and pain.

Now they are both pregnant again. One kindly stopped by my cube to let me know but not before I'd heard it through the grapevine and the other just posted it to facebook.

I am bitterness personified. I think another one is pregnant for the third time she just hasn't announced it yet.

Oh and I bumped into a former coworker on a walk and she had her little one that she had while I worked with her and oh yes, twins in tow that she's had since she left.

I got a thank you card from my friend who just had her first at 41...all natural..no complications.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't wish any ill will towards any of these ladies or there pregnancy in fact the complete opposite, I fret over them and pray(which I don't normally do) that things go absolutely perfectly for them.

BUT. WTF can't it be me. I mean why is is so easy for everyone else(I mean fertile biatches) and so unfairly cruel to others.

It is so unfair. It is soooooo unfair. It feels like a thousand tiny cuts a day. The only thing getting me through is expensive coffee drinks and alcohol..I'm sorry but it's true.