One foot in front of the other...That's how it feels dealing with infertility. I just keep taking steps even though I want to go somewhere else, I keep walking down this path. I'm weary and the pack is getting heavy. The sun is beating down and I am running out of water. My bug spray is not working and I am surrounded by mosquitos. I've lost faith that I will get to camp with everyone else and feel I am weighing my team down.
I'm still trying to eat right, I fell off the wagon a bit but it was just some minor things. I struggle with not feeling like a failure. I went to class again this week and met another new member. All of the ladies are much younger than me..obviously it bothers me some..The learning to be present and observe but not judge aspects of the class are really helping me. I judge every aspect of my journey.
My favorite kitty has lymphoma. Oscar the cat. He started losing weight and the vet ran a battery of tests and that's what it is. He's continued to get skinnier. We have options for treatment but they guarantee nothing. He's an older kitty - 14 or 15 as far as I know. He's gotten me through more than one rough spot in my life and it is physically painful for me to see him get weaker. His passing may be one of the most impactful of my life. Is that odd to say. Well it's true, I'd be lying if I said it were different. For now we are enjoying our snuggle time and I am making sure he doesn't hurt, that's all I can do.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
It's all getting away from me
I've been lurking and checking in with everyone but haven't been posting or commenting. It seems the only time I have to read is right before I go to bed and I've been doing it on my phone which means posting and commenting are too much for me on that tiny screen at that time of day. I am going to make myself use the real computer to read your posts since I always want to say something and it's so frustrating to not be able to.
So anyway I am here, I am fine. (Thank you for asking :) I appreciate that)
I am still eating right and have been exercising every day which is helping. My mood is just down the toilet though. I mean I am irritable...I am sorry for those who are dealing with me at work right now. Everything is just so annoying...I am annoyed most days and as much as I try to not put it on other people it just spills out. (I mean sometimes it's with good reason, seriously if people would just take a moment and reason things out my life would be so much easier....but I digress)
I went to my first "Meditation and relaxation" session last night. It was pretty cool. Of course I got super irritable during the day and did my little "I don't want to go routine" "No one will like me" etc...but I muscled through it and I think they liked me ok. It was hard because we all had to intro ourselves and our infertility struggle...which made me cry. I'm so tired of the story. I was also the only one who had been pregnant and that made me feel odd man out a little bit. I could almost feel the "At least you've been pregnant" Although that may have been in my head.
I felt so much compassion for the other women too which makes me feel good. I feel so bitter and irritable IRL that I was concerned I had lost that part of me that used to be a good listener. I guess maybe subject matter makes this compassion easier to access.
We did some deep breathing which always makes me more self aware than I like which makes me uncomfortable but I did feel all of a sudden the tension I was holding in my body and it released with a thump. It was just a short exercise and we are supposed to try that each day this week. I am going to do it. I think a daily practice will help me a lot.
IVF...has to be postponed. I have a work thing that's terrifying to me - I have to present at a conference. I am not a public speaker. I am one of those people that wishes they would break their arm or something else terrible so that they would have a good excuse not to present. It's only an hour but it's right in the sweet spot of what will be retrieval or transfer and I will be so stressed it seems like I have to push the cycle out another month. Doing so pushes it into a trip for my BF birthday but she keeps telling me it's ok if I miss it. I mean I could probably keep pushing it out and pushing it out.
I have to get to work now but I am going to comment this evening.
So anyway I am here, I am fine. (Thank you for asking :) I appreciate that)
I am still eating right and have been exercising every day which is helping. My mood is just down the toilet though. I mean I am irritable...I am sorry for those who are dealing with me at work right now. Everything is just so annoying...I am annoyed most days and as much as I try to not put it on other people it just spills out. (I mean sometimes it's with good reason, seriously if people would just take a moment and reason things out my life would be so much easier....but I digress)
I went to my first "Meditation and relaxation" session last night. It was pretty cool. Of course I got super irritable during the day and did my little "I don't want to go routine" "No one will like me" etc...but I muscled through it and I think they liked me ok. It was hard because we all had to intro ourselves and our infertility struggle...which made me cry. I'm so tired of the story. I was also the only one who had been pregnant and that made me feel odd man out a little bit. I could almost feel the "At least you've been pregnant" Although that may have been in my head.
I felt so much compassion for the other women too which makes me feel good. I feel so bitter and irritable IRL that I was concerned I had lost that part of me that used to be a good listener. I guess maybe subject matter makes this compassion easier to access.
We did some deep breathing which always makes me more self aware than I like which makes me uncomfortable but I did feel all of a sudden the tension I was holding in my body and it released with a thump. It was just a short exercise and we are supposed to try that each day this week. I am going to do it. I think a daily practice will help me a lot.
IVF...has to be postponed. I have a work thing that's terrifying to me - I have to present at a conference. I am not a public speaker. I am one of those people that wishes they would break their arm or something else terrible so that they would have a good excuse not to present. It's only an hour but it's right in the sweet spot of what will be retrieval or transfer and I will be so stressed it seems like I have to push the cycle out another month. Doing so pushes it into a trip for my BF birthday but she keeps telling me it's ok if I miss it. I mean I could probably keep pushing it out and pushing it out.
I have to get to work now but I am going to comment this evening.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)