Friday, October 4, 2013

Life goes on

I've been writing to you all in my head again for weeks now so I figured I better get on here and actually try to write something.

One daydreamed post was about anger...another about resilience...then when I was feeling good I thought about how far I've come through this journey.

I can't remember anything but those thoughts so they're lost to my mind now. 

Today I feel angry and I am having some issues with feeling badly about myself, like I've done something wrong.  Instead of spiraling for months like I would have in the past I sat down and wrote out the negative thoughts and then challenged each one, one by one and realized that after each of my miscarriages I've had a general feeling of having done something wrong.  I think it has to do with how miscarriage is perceived and responded to by "others" and the fact that I take a lot of non verbal cues in my dealing with people and use them to identify how people feel about me.  It's not a good thing to do especially when people are uncomfortable that I've had a miscarriage and so act in a way that shows they are uncomfortable.  If I then take that as they are uncomfortable with me as a whole you can see where this is going.

Anyway it felt good to take charge  of those feelings and challenge them.  It doesn't make it go away but it helps it from gaining momentum at least.

In other news I am terrified to have sex with my husband...birth control doesn't make me feel safe from pregnancy and I don't want to get pregnant.  Isn't that a new wrinkle...spent all those years trying and now I am really back in my 20's in respect to my feelings around it.

Foster care is not going anywhere I've made some calls and actually read some blogs about it which scared me a little bit.  So I am still not anywhere with that. 

Other than that things are going well.  Just keeping on with life as it comes.


conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm glad you're back to writing, and working through some of the bad feelings. I think our society is bad at handling loss - and you're the one suffering from that discomfort, as if you didn't have enough to deal with already.
Many people have responded with "I'm sure it's gonna be fine" to our current situation - and while I appreciate the positive thoughts, I think to some extent this is because they're not willing to face the possibility that it may go wrong.
Sending hugs.

Augusta said...

that is some impressive work you did there by looking at your thoughts and feelings at a point where you'd normally break down. Instead, you were kind to yourself and spent time really trying to understand what was going on. That is just. SO. Hard. And you were able to do it. And for that, I really hope you feel very proud of yourself. It just heartens me so much to read about you being kind to you.
And YES! People in general are very uncomfortable with grief/loss of any kind. And you would have picked up on that, but it says NOTHING about you, and EVERYTHING about them.
I'm glad that there are many parts of your life that are going well.
I'm sending you warm hugs from the north.

Anonymous said...

How are you?

Anonymous said...

Are you OK?