Pretending I'm not

I've been busy. I've been doing a little bit more traveling. Some work, some pleasure. I've been pretending that I am ok with how things turned out and that not having kids is in some way a blessing. Some kids I've been around recently have made me think...Oh thank god that's not my kid.

I have been missing my kitty like crazy. I see him all around the house and I wonder if this is why people believe in ghosts. I think it's more an expectation of him being where I see him, kind of like my mind filling in the blanks but sometimes I dream he's hanging out with me and I miss him terribly. No one, human or other, quite fills the gap in my heart like he did.

We also had a pet chicken death. That was quite sad too, we went ahead and borrowed a chicken from a friend to keep our other chicken company. She's on the way out too it seems. Apparently this breed doesn't live that long. Then we will be taking a break from chickens. I mean between the miscarriages, the senior cats and the delicate chickens it's been morbid central around here.

In other news I went to my gyne today. A regular annual exam, pap, breast exam kind of apt. On the paperwork the first question was
 How many times have you been pregnant? 4
 How many live births? 0
Miscarriages? 3 Ectopics? 1 Some other crap I can't remember... I mean right in my face after I step in the door. Can't you look in the damn computer at my chart. It's all there. Do I really need to write it out in pen and ink? AGAIN?

 Then I had planned to ask about more permanent birth control...so I did but I wasn't prepared for how the conversation would make me feel. I had thought about these options as a younger woman but in those thoughts I imagined getting to them when my family creation was complete. When I was well and truly done having kids and looking forward to my empty nest. I didn't contemplate having these conversations with my thinking mind well and truly present and trying to ignore my feeling mind as she screamed "NOOOOO, I'm not ready, this isn't how it was supposed to happen and can I really be this old?". So what I thought was a nice step towards normalcy, getting back to taking care of myself by scheduling and attending to my annual exam was another dip into the abyss.

I dipped way low, came home and on the way stopped at the grocery. Ate half a box of chocolate donuts and a bag of chips. It didn't stop there.

We are currently not using any birth control. A combination of thumbing our nose at it and sticking our heads in the sand. It's a sort of finality that for some reason I can not progress to. Won't I curse my audacity if it all goes well and truly wrong as it has in the past?