Monday, April 21, 2014

Better but not gone

I've been thinking a lot about what I am going to make of my life.  Holidays always cause a lot of "thinking" and this Easter was no different.  I really enjoy Easter activities with kids and this year I did none of them.  I tried to get some friends to come over for an Easter dinner.  Last year I borrowed their kid for some Easter egg decoration.  This year I just couldn't get any takers and my nieces and nephews are all either too far or too busy for their auntie.

DH and I were going to go to his sisters but we both ended up getting sick.  Although now I am thinking my sick was a food allergy. I have been eating an incredibly healthy diet of unprocessed food and very little grain and inadvertently had cut out corn(I was just cutting out processed foods).  I relaxed the diet a little on Friday and had my favorite puffed corn and rice product and spent the rest of the night wondering if I was starting in with arthritis and if I were pregnant since the nausea and stomach upset made no sense.  There's of course no way outside of a miracle that I would be pregnant but I still keep some test around so I tested quickly.  This is a totally ridiculous and irrational thing to do but it stops the what if thinking that could go on for days if I let it.   Anyway I felt bad all day the next day and then the following I felt better.  I had some more of that corn puffed product today and about 30 minutes to an hour later same awful issues.  My hands feel like I am well into arthritis and my stomach is I guess I better stay away from corn for awhile..or try to reintroduce again later just to confirm it's that and not some weird bug.

I think a lot about how I will keep myself busy, happy with this childless life and for the most part I am.  I still feel something missing.  I still sometimes cry about the miscarriages I've had.  For the most part though I go about my life happily.  I have a good job that I enjoy and I try to excel in that.  DH and I are having our bathrooms redone which is nice.  We bought what was a rental house a few years ago and have been living with the really embarrassing (well used) bathrooms, not just ugly but broken down and it's been really nice to see the first one ripped out and almost done and I can't wait for the second to be ripped out.

I started running again.  I ran a 5K a couple weeks ago and I did well.  I'm working up to a half marathon in September.  I enjoy it.  I think I enjoy it most because it's something I can work for and actually accomplish.  Infertility and miscarriage took so much control away from me, it's nice to be able to "win" sometimes now.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi there. I'm glad you are happy most of the time, though I completely understand that thinking of the miscarriages still makes you sad. I hope you will find a way to spend more time with kids, whether they be your own or those of friends or family.